My head is so full of stuff right now. Stuff that is happening, stuff I must do, stuff I must write, stuff I must prepare for. Just when I think I may be getting some clarity about life, the universe and everything, my head fills with self-doubt and confusion.
This is just some of the stuff:
Housing
The house we are renting has been put on the market. "Open for Inspection"s commence this Saturday. I try to avoid housework at the best of times, but this obviously is not the best of times. Housework will have to become part of my "so called" routine.
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| I may be ambivalent about living here, but I want it to be my choice |
The house is being marketed to investors, supposedly. We are only safe until the end of the lease in July. Whatever happens next depends on the outcome of the sale. In the meantime, I am highly unsettled by the prospect of change and yet another move. If I move, I want it to be by my choice and on my terms, not somebody else's.
I'm confused about where I want to live. My head is spinning with all the possibilities and choices. I feel the need to act now, rather than wait for an outcome totally out of my control.
Mental Health
I finally saw a psychiatrist. I asked her, firstly, for a diagnosis, and secondly, for advice about outpatient programs in psychiatric hospitals.
Diagnosis-wise - I certainly have severe depression and unstable moods. I most likely do not have Bipolar II and probably not anything else, other than a vulnerable personality due to my life experiences. It's not that I want to have anything in particular, I just wanted to know what to do about how I am.
After some investigation by the psych, it turns out that psychiatric day programs are subject to very time-consuming and complicated intake and review processes. Not to mention waiting lists. What is the point of private health insurance, then? None, really. Unless I did something drastic and became an involuntary patient.
Once again, more evidence that mental health care in this country sucks.
I am left wondering whether a change of habits to include regular exercise, meditation and yoga, as well as more social interaction would provide better results than any psychiatric intervention. If only changing habits was that easy.... At least
my sister is here for a while - maybe she can push me.
Work or business? Do I start looking for a steady, stressful, mind-numbing job (yes, it is possible for a job to be stressful and mind-numbing), or do I pursue this notion of blogging/writing (or some other kind of self-employment) for my supper?
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| Yes, I am motivated by money. It may not buy me happiness, but it can make me feel safe. |
What is it that I have to offer? What is my message? What is so unique about me? Would anyone pay for whatever it is that I have to sell?
Ideally, I would love to work at a range of things - some writing, some speaking, some interaction with people, some technical work, some creative work. Except that I need it all to pay well. Extremely well - to support the lifestyle I am NOT accustomed to.
Can you help? What do you think I have to offer?
Blogging
Blogging ideas fill my head, but I lack the motivation to translate them onto the computer screen. If only I could plug the computer into my head and suck them out.
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| It's all about the blog.... My life is a blog, or is the blog my life? |
Ideas for posts, ideas for guest posts, ideas for products and submissions. So much to do, so little self-confidence or energy.
Not to mention that the
Digital Parents Conference is zooming up with incredible speed and I only have a sketchy idea in my head about what I want to say in the My Blog My Story session.
Can you help? What would you like to hear?
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This is just some of the stuff that fills my head. It buzzes constantly around and around, only stopping when I write. I manage to write some of it out, but surely enough, more comes to fill the space.
The children add to the buzzing, constantly needing stuff like food, clean clothes and attention. Imagine that!
The kittens careen around the house smashing into my floor "filing system", scratching every scrap of furniture they can find and generally adding to the chaos.
I think I need a holiday......... Alone.....
What about you? What's in your head?
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